I’M SORRY BUT SINCE IT HURT

So I think I’ve been moving to a stage where I may get ahead to avoid being hurt. 100% falling for someone might seem to be a weird thing for me nowadays. Instead, I raise my shield, get prepared with the sword, well, but not ready for any fight, just try to be a cool display, show that I’m secured enough and in fact, when things get turned in a wrong way, I might just simply always drop all of the weapons to walk away leaving everything, never ready for any drama any more. But thanks, shield, anyway. Pain is less likely to touch me, or at least it might be what I’ll show off.

I’ve been feeling so special with you, yet, so unspecial at all. You should have not told me loads about your past. I’m a stupid creature to get jealous with all of those things, past is past, present is present, I know you would explain that and so do I to myself, but…somehow it’s in there in your personality. If tomorrow we’re gonna breakup, will you even remember my name among your oceans of your girlfriends? Or you will just simply get some girl you meet on the street and turn her to be your girlfriend, forget all about me? I just can’t stand the feeling, I’m no that too confident to stick to the thought that I’m the most special girl in the world that every man should fall for, but…that’s it, it just makes me feel unspecial. Sometimes, I step forward to feel you more, hurtfully, the more I know about you, the more I just want to step back, Im afraid I may get hurt by the person who I’m still not sure about, yeah it’s true. I don’t know you; you don’t know me, even when we “know” each other. So I’ve been grabbing bit by bit of you day by day and getting bitter on my own, not about you, but about how many painful moments human can get in their life and how much into the depth they feel so hurtful but after all just swallow everything down and try to chin up again.

I’ve got much hurt enough to put all of my trust to someone again, in a discomfort that they might be laughing at me just because I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn’t care about that, as long as my heart is pure and my intentions are good, but… I am not a Saint, to feel great knowing all that. You might think I’m a psycho myself for all of these things, but, I’m just honest, about what is going on inside me, about my unsecured feeling being with a person of the past and can be the present (this matters most). It’s just a way I get myself protected, I guess, and sorry I’m not gonna be able to help much with this.